Things I’ve wanted to say to those parents
Our meeting today helps explain everything about your daughter
If Brittany spent as much time doing homework as she does making excuses, she’d have that A
Would you like me to sit around waiting for your next email or teach your child?
Yep, I deliberately seek out students like your son and lose his assignments on purpose.
Oh, I’m sure your son searched for “hot pussy” totally by mistake.
I realize your daughter has a great body but some people can’t tear their eyes away from her breasts long enough to learn.
I’ll admit it. Your daughter is my favorite, but in her class the competition is pretty weak.
Why didn’t I think of that? Of course canning pickles trumps writing a speech.
I’m sorry your aunt died. Was it easier to handle being this is the second time this year?
No, I’m not married, and I understand why your ex-wife is no longer married to you either.
While I’m at it, would you like me to hold your daughter’s hand while she goes pee?
He acts up only for people he likes? Well then what can I do to make him hate me?
Now did your printer break before or after your daughter left the paper in her locker, I mean, on the bus, or was that at her friend’s house?
Sorry about your son’s Traumatic Brain Injury; have you considered getting yourself evaluated?
My mistake, I must have gotten Jake confused with the other hornet-shooting, potty-mouth dumb ass in the back row.
I’m all for hands-on learning but Willi and his willy take things a little too far.
If I become an alcoholic, I’ll have your child to thank.
Final Assignment
14 years ago
These made me laugh! Thank you for sharing! Parents certainly are honest with teachers. If only teachers could be honest with parents (without losing our jobs, that is!).
ReplyDeleteBOLD! I like that. I don't know if I'd admit to thinking some of these things, but we all have thought them. I was taken in by the way you clearly detailed what parents say to teachers but only through the teacher's sarcastic response.
ReplyDeleteThe Line: "While I’m at it, would you like me to hold your daughter’s hand while she goes pee?" Teacher's can relate to this line so strongly in today's culture as our society now somehow thinks that enabling children (students, young adults, even old adults)is a good thing-a way of helping them. I DON'T GET THAT! See you're bringing the passion out of me through that line. :) I would like to see a bit more distinction between the narrator being sarcastic or just plain pissed about being a teacher. Maybe that's part of the appeal: the fact we can't figure that out.
I do like how each line starts differently and there isn't a rhythm, it represents the chaos that goes through parents minds, but shows how the teacher can organize the mess and separate stupidity from constructive criticism.
Last thing:"Why didn’t I think of that? Of course canning pickles trumps writing a speech." I love this line.
Lisa.. I like your style.
Oh, this is so so funny, and I really really do wish I could say a lot of these things, too.
ReplyDeleteI like every carefully chosen moment that you covered.
I think there is a sense of a deeper discontent here that strengthens the irreverence and annoyance by lying just below the surface.
For me, the only thing that might make this stronger is taking each moment and seeing if you can say it in a few less words, with maybe a little more vivid imagery.
Overall, though, I just love it. Thanks!